Gardening a Healthy Happy Marriage

Hello again! Let me put the disclaimer out that I am not a marriage therapist in any way shape or form!!!! However, I have about four different reasons to write this post. Here they are....

• 1. I am married and healthy marriages interest me.
• 2. My parents(27yrs I think) and grandparents(51yrs) have/had wonderful marriages that have set a wonderful example for me on how I want my marriage to be. I also have a few examples in my life of the complete opposite of a healthy marriage and what I will not accept in our marriage.
• 3. My husband and I recently did a marriage learning group with our church. (Of which is where the topic came from!)
• 4. I care about my marriage and my husband as my most important person on this earth.

My husband and my relationship was quite rocky in the beginning. Im not going to retell the past but lets just say we were young and dumb. We have been together since July of 2008. And I will say we did not start our relationship off on a foundation of loving the Lord together. Only recently when we moved to San Diego did we find a church we both enjoyed. My husband was raised in a Catholic family. And I was raised in the south in a very prominent Baptist area. Therefore, finding a happy middle has been quite a chore. However, we said that when we had a child. That child would be raised in a church. Thankfully we found Blount Community Church here in town and feel like it is where we are meant to be. There are families and people our age that we are enjoying getting to know.



Anywho, onto my topic... gardening a healthy happy marriage. We met with a group of likeminded married couples who were eager to strengthen their marriages.

The first day of our class we spent picking weed like many would do before you were to start a garden. The instructors gave us a list of weeds that were very harmful to marriages those being(As many as I can remember):

• Not putting the others best interest first
• Not having meaningful conversations
• Not communicating
• Dabbling in lustful images
• Gabbing to others about issues that should stay within your marriage
• Secluding yourself from your spouse
• And extended relationships with the opposite sex
• Surrounding yourself with people of whom do not support your beliefs whether religiously or marriage wise

  I think thats it.....?hmmm..... Our instructors did a wonderful job of explaining to us and using Biblical references for why and how these different weeds could and would hurt your/our marriage. Im not going to get super personal or display different little weeds in our garden, but there were a few weeds we needed to talk out and pick. It is our goal and I will say since that class it has really improved our relationship thus far. We talked it out and are better for it. I would just recommend and say if you feel like your marriage is worth it(of which it should be) I would pick these weeds. Put them to a stop. Talk to your spouse about them and get it worked out. I think we feel so much better about it

The second day of our class we spent time tending the crop. In other words we found out what our spouses top needs were. And I will just let you know I was actually suprised to find out what Christopher felt like were his top two needs. It kind of breaks my heart to think if we didnt go to this class I would have went on neglecting his most important needs. God put us there in that classroom for a reason. The top needs were:

• Affection

Greeting with a kiss. Verbalising "I care for you", "I'm here for you.” Huggingand touching non-sexual and sexual. “I love you.”

Appreciation

Noticing the things that a husband or a wife does and being grateful or complimentary. Not taking things for granted. Looking for the best rather than being ready to point out the flaws.

Approval

Recognising the special things about a husband or wife and thankinghim/her for being who they are.

Attention

Being together, doing things together. Taking time to listen, remembering to tell each other about the day. Interest without criticism.

Comfort

Sensitively showing concern at a partner’s disappointment or hurt. Taking feelings seriously. Hurting with and for another’s pain.

Encouragement

Helping a partner to keep going when enthusiasm has gone. Not rushing in to take over a task from a struggling partner when encouragement would result in the task being completed.

Respect

Honouring each other. Never putting each other down in front of others.Using humour sensitively; being willing to be serious when a joke would be hurtful and imply criticism.

Security

Knowing that security is found in strong, reliable relationships and making apriority of reminding a partner of your long term commitment to them. Doing the“little things” with consistency.

Support

Giving the message to a partner that you can be counted on whenneeded. Noticing times of particular stress and offering help. Sharing tasks.

*Credits: http://www.togetherinmarriage.com/downloads/TN_10_Relational_Needs.pdf

We were instructed to guess what our spouses top 2 were. And then we were to pick our 2 then compare. Honestly, I didnt get either of my husbands top 2. :(  He got only one of mine.  Now knowing what is my husbands top two needs I am going to try my hardest to keep his "LOVE TANK" full! I know he is doing the same also!!! I would highly recommend doing this with your spouse! Talk it over! And then even give a example of when your favorite time was when your spouse met each of your top needs!

Unfortunatly, Christopher went out of town for work (*funny its actually to fulfill one of my needs of security) and we will not be able to attend the last class together. :( However, I am so thankful that God put us in the opportunity to attend these classes to make our marriage stronger. I really feel like marriage doesnt have to be hard. It just needs to be worked on and tweaked. And ultimatly marriage is about putting your spouse before yourself and by working on it that is what your doing. I love you Christopher!!!!

<3 Kim